I received the following letter from a friend who wishes to remain unnamed (which should be telling in and of itself). Why is she so afraid to share this well considered perspective? Who is it she fears? Is it healthy to live in a world that is so intolerant that voices like this can't be heard?
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I have found myself getting inappropriately upset the last few days about posts from my friends on Facebook. It has taken me a while to unravel what was causing this inordinate reaction but I think I have untangled it a bit. Because I am married to a black guy and have five biracial children these topics interest me.
The post I have seen repeated numerous times over the last few days go as follows: A white suburban, liberal-leaning woman posts the following: I have been staying silent for a few days but I cannot fail to speak….We must do better… there is systematic racism….we need to check our privilege…we must unite against racism….we must not be scared to talk to our kids about race... You have seen them as well I am sure. Then they get numerous hugs and likes and loves from their kind-hearted friends. They are likely well-meaning so I feel like a jerk in my annoyance.
But here are the things that bother me.
Isn’t it narcissistic to assume that we, by posting some obvious anti-racist statements are helping the cause of “black people”. This is not how we help, but it is how you make yourself feel like you are righteous and make sure everyone else knows how righteous you are. Anti-racism is not actually rare - I would say all but a tiny sliver of Americans were horrified by the George Lloyd incident and want to ensure it can never happen again.
Most who post these things don’t know the first thing about systematic racism - they have heard that word, they take it for truth - and repeat it without looking at any facts. What they are in fact doing is giving the white redneck racist idiot minority the most power of anyone in America. Rather than disregarding him as the rare and ignorant fool he is - or if you are more Christlike attempting to change his views through brotherly or sisterly love - they are allowing his ignorance or evil to tear our culture apart and give minority children everywhere the false idea that everyone is out to get them. I had uncles that were against my marriage to my black husband - it didn’t offend me. They are farmers from Idaho - they had never known a black man in their lives. I went ahead and married him and I still loved my uncles despite their ignorance. I knew they would love him when they got to know him - Now they like my husband more than they like me. But it takes patience and the ability to not really care what people think - both attributes are really lacking today.
We need to check our privilege - another buzzword that means absolutely nothing. What is ends up meaning is - I am justified to treat black people like my special needs child. They must be coddled and given an extra hand - they can’t take care of themselves because their lot is too heavy. What a bunch of pretentious and “white savior” dribble. This is the same justification that was used by slave holders. Black people can take care of themselves. They can use free agency, responsibility, and repentance the same as all of us. Yes - they have barriers to cross - but are you gonna help them by treating them like children? It is so condescending and insulting. I have a special needs child and still wouldn’t treat her like this. You overcome obstacles not by constantly talking about the obstacles, or ruminating on them, or falling on them - but by stepping over them. And by the way, most black people hate white people trying to help them like this - and I don’t blame them. A little self-awareness would go a long way. Yesterday I saw a post by a white man saying that white privilege is about “bigness” - we white people are the big person on the playground so we must use our “bigness” for good. I think any black guy reading that would probably want to pound that guy:)
The idea that people are scared to talk to their kids about race is so strange to me. Perhaps I am unique - but in my experience few people are - but I really don’t see what is so hard to talk about. Race is skin pigmentation - what is tough about that. It is an external physical characteristic. The fact that people think it is hard to speak about tells me they have a whacked out perspective - they are equating race with culture, or with all sorts of things you should not be equating it with. Racism is tougher because the definition is so wide and changes day by day but we have talked to our children about racists and this is what we have said. 1. They are rare (especially in our circles) 2. We don’t care what an ignorant racist thinks so don’t give them one second of your brain power. 3. The way to overcome ignorance is by showing your true character and treating others the way you want to be treated. But even if they don’t change - you still don’t have to care what they think - you care what God thinks.
The six people I love most in this world are black/mixed race - how much race has impacted our lives? - almost not at all. It is an interesting feature of our lives, it brings color and interest - but it has done nothing substantial in the least. Why? Because we don’t let it - because we don’t think physical characteristics are what give us worth, value, or make us who we are. There is of course no shame in race - my husband and children are beautiful and I would not change one thing about them - but souls are what we love.
The other reason these posts bug me is because it is usually from the same kind of woman. The woman that thinks she is a revolutionary by supporting causes she has nothing to do with and that most people agree with. I am starting to see why people lash back at “Karen’s”. Throughout my marriage we have had many friends - and they come in two forms, to stereotype for a second. Our more conservative friends come hang out and my husband talks sports with the husband, I talk about kids and church with the wife. But if we have the liberal friends over - they almost inevitably - especially at the first meeting - bring up race. How is it being a mixed race couple? What challenges have you encountered? How are your kids treated? It feels like they are only friends with us to check off some box - look how tolerant we are. When those questions about racial prejudice are meant with the truth - we have not encountered any significant racism- Instead of joy that our lives have been unfettered by racism, they seem doubtful or even disappointed- as if we are not gonna fit well into their “street cred” trophy case. They can’t go home and make a post about their black friend and his oppression. They certainly wouldn’t like to hear that my boys are the cool kids at school, extremely athletic, and that my husband is more concerned with the idea that he may have gotten a leg up in the business world due to his race than ever feeling oppressed. (From my perspective I know my husband has earned every single raise he has gotten). I know our experience may be unique, and we have been fortunate - but I am willing not lie or amplify things to gain victim points. My husband was raised in apartheid South Africa - he knows racism, he is incredibly grateful for the freedom and lack of racism he has experienced here. Our conservative friends don’t ask about race - they may make the odd joke or two which we can all laugh at. My husband prefers his conservative friends - the others are trying too hard, they aren’t organic. I think at the root of it is one philosophy looks primarily at individuals and one looks at the group. My husband is very much an individualist. He is concerned with the problems in the black/African communities - but his solutions are not grandstanding but volunteering at the Boys and Girls club - raising strong kids. This isn’t sexy but it works.
Hypocrisy - These same women speaking of systematic racism and white privilege simply ignore the real privilege. The privilege I work everyday to bestow on my children - good childhood privilege. The Fatherless rate, the neglect rate, the rate of abuse in minority communities is truly distressing. It is equally distressing in white communities. But when these women’s kids are on the wrong side of a conflict at school with a black child from such a background they label him a bully - they demand he be shamed and the whole community rally against “bullying”. This more aggressive kid - from a single parent home without positive male Role Models - instead of being shown compassion or love is suspended or perhaps the teachers suggest some medication for his “ADHD”. Where has their concern for black people gone now? Oh wait, it is only there when it doesn’t affect you personally?
In the end my biggest “trigger” is I want my kids to be raised in a world that is not obsessed with race, I don’t want them to be viewed as members of a group. I don’t want them to be given special treatment or face the racism of low expectations. I don’t want others to view them as someone that needs saving. I want them to be a person - just a person - a fellow child of God, unique and special as we all are - ordinary as we all are. Not only are the race-obsessed giving this white redneck racist all the power they are creating millions more - because people, as Dostoevsky says, will go to great lengths to prove they are not a piano key. People don’t want to be played for fools. All black men in prison are not innocent victims - not all whites are privileged and racists. The majority may one day lose patience with these exaggerations and turn on minorities. The poor white boy in Appalachia with heroin addicted parents will grow weary of being told he has white privilege. Keeping track of “oppression points” will only end in tragedy. When you paint a race as if they can do no wrong - that they are solely victims of oppressors, it is not humanizing them, it actually dehumanizing them - because people are imperfect - people are perpetrators and victims. This language is actually making black people into “the other”.
Now of course this is not to deny there is racism. Black kids in the inner city have tremendous obstacles to overcome. Fatherless, self-defeating government programs, crime, and violent police- these add unfair burdens on children and adults. I don’t know why God made life thus, or allowed us to make it thus. But I do believe he will make all “things work together for our good for those who love God.” The wicked slave trader John Newton accessed “amazing grace” and helped free the slaves. The epileptic former slave Harriet Tubman joined him- in the ultimate quest - to save Gods children. Newton’s former evil was turned to good. Tubman’s former oppression was turned to freedom - through love.
I have always had a great love and respect for Black people - I was raised in the military and many of my friends were black growing up. When I lived in East and Southern Africa I gained an incredible love for the Tanzanians, Ugandans, Kenyans, and South Africans I worked and lived with. I say this not to gain “street cred” but to highlight that in all my interactions with black people I have never once thought they were capable of any more or less evil or goodness than anyone else - they do not have less or more strength of will or voice of conscience. They do not need my hand any more than I need theirs. They are just a child of God like me. Ordinary and insignificant as me - and capable of untold potential like me. I hope we can stop with all the virtue signaling, all the hypocrisy, and the fake compassion.
If we truly love a people we want their lives to improve - we actually want things to get better. This change, as Jordan Peterson says so well, comes from individual change - not from resentment, bitterness, and blame. I just wish as a society we can drop the charade and roll up our sleeves and love the neglected child, be patient and forgiving of the aggressive boy in school, look into the eyes of the teenage boy that has had a life full of negative. If we truly cared we would. And don’t do it because he is black, or white - but because we see his infinite worth.
Sorry for the length but feel like I needed to get this off my chest so I can let go and move on. I feel bad being judgmental of these women, I am so far from perfect and I realize my opinion is just more of the noise- this is why I would never post it anywhere but here - but as I said - y’all have become my friends so I am grateful for the opportunity to speak to you